Where to start. It's been a while. I have not written a word in months. I shouldn't neglect this, my space, my escape, my pressure valve
God I have issues...
What to think? Is God punishing me? Is Karma giving me a taste of my own behaviour? What on earth am I paying here? all of the above or none?
I can not remember anything from my childhood. Literally. I have almost no memories, blocked them all. Most too painful to deal with I suppose... or just survival instinct? I know, or at least I feel I was never accepted or loved the way I was ... or still am, or just needed... who knows?
I can't remember, not good stuff; not regular stuff. I can only recall some of my worse memories, feelings really. Some and very few good moments.
What was I thinking becoming a mother?! I do remember I had always wanted to have a daughter. One little girl to pamper, love and hug and kiss and all those things I did not get. My only goal was that. To make her know she is loved... Somehow in this years everything got screwed up..
If some of you have found yourselves in the psychiatric er on your local children's hospital with your kid in your arms, out of control, when you have done everything you can think of to solve things from psychiatric drugs, therapy, counselling, yoga, handcrafts, anger management, family therapy, kids therapy, group things, medication, off medication, school meetings, crying, praying, screaming, writing,.. any advice you can think off, I've looked into it and tried it in some point.
My sunshine has been diagnosed by several specialists and doctors everywhere with depression, ADD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ulcers...
Since she was 9, she began her anti depression medication, she started cutting herself, not eating, weighing herself several times a day, crying or just being catatonic. We've tried everything, I've tried everything...
After a tantrum where I get kicked, thrown things, screamed all sorts of insults and stupid things, where she starts being physically aggressive, I give up... I can't do this anymore, I am 99 % sure she's hiding her medication instead of taking it. So... What's more harmful, not trusting her? Forcing the drugs in her system? Allowing her to make this kind of decisions at age 12? Spanking her? Removing her privileges? New school? Old school? WHAT?!!
Who's to blame? What am I doing wrong? What right? Where or Who is the problem? Where the right way to go?
I just can't do this anymore... I am empty.
I have nothing else to give or try or else...
