Sometimes I truly hate being me....

Where to start. It's been a while. I have not written a word in months. I shouldn't neglect this, my space, my escape, my pressure valve
God I have issues...
 What to think? Is God punishing me? Is Karma giving me a taste of my own behaviour? What on earth am I paying here? all of the above or none?

I can not remember anything from my childhood. Literally. I have almost no memories, blocked them all. Most too painful to deal with I suppose... or just  survival instinct? I know, or at least I feel I was never accepted or loved the way I was ... or still am, or just needed... who knows?

I can't remember, not good stuff; not regular stuff. I can only recall some of my worse memories, feelings really. Some and very few good moments.
What was I thinking becoming a mother?! I do remember I had always wanted to have a daughter. One little girl to pamper, love and hug and kiss and all those things I did not get. My only goal was that. To make her know she is loved... Somehow in this years everything got screwed up..

If some of you have found yourselves in the psychiatric er on your local children's hospital with your kid in your arms, out of control, when you have done everything you can think of to solve things from psychiatric drugs, therapy, counselling, yoga, handcrafts, anger management, family therapy, kids therapy, group things, medication, off medication, school meetings, crying, praying, screaming, writing,.. any advice you can think off, I've looked into it and tried it in some point.

My sunshine has been diagnosed by several specialists and doctors everywhere with depression, ADD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ulcers...
Since she was 9, she began her anti depression medication, she started cutting herself, not eating, weighing herself several times a day, crying or just being catatonic. We've tried everything, I've tried everything...

After a tantrum where I get kicked, thrown things, screamed all sorts of insults and stupid things, where she starts being physically aggressive, I give up... I can't do this anymore, I am 99 % sure she's hiding her medication instead of taking it. So... What's more harmful, not trusting her? Forcing the drugs in her system? Allowing her to make this kind of decisions at age 12? Spanking her? Removing her privileges? New school? Old school? WHAT?!!

Who's to blame? What am I doing wrong? What right? Where or Who is the problem? Where the right way to go?

I just can't do this anymore... I am empty.
I have nothing else to give or try or else...

Oh boy. Families sometimes suck.

Oh boy! Today’s issue: family.

Family. It hard on so many levels! I had such a rough week with all my families. Yeap:. 3. I count them separately. My mother, father, siblings, etc. make one. My in-laws make the second one and my husband and my daughter constitute my real and most important family.

So a bit of background is necessary. My mother was abused bye her own father and her mother taught her to be submissive and obedient to her husband. My dad is the son of an army general. Me, I’m the youngest of the lot. Got 3 sisters and 2 brothers (the elder one died before I was born) And also, I was born 11 years later than the youngest but me. I was also abused, hit a lot. Denigrated a lot and got used to survive on a daily bases. I couldn’t get food from the fridge without it being world war III. Also they really hate my husband. We met in high school and from the moment I saw him I knew he was the one for me. We’ve been together for 20 years. Married the last 12. I ended up running away from home to get my own place when I was 18. I worked on a multiplex, went to college on a scholarship and lived in a small room above a liquor store. None of my siblings ever called or checked on me, none tried to contact me and none let me see my nieces and nephews until they grew much older. On the other hand my mother in –law has always been helpful, she is always there for us but also takes advantage of it and becomes very demanding and nosey making the education of my daughter a messy thing. My better half doesn’t know how to set limits to her. Mi father in law just sits there and tries his best to let things flow. My sunshine has ADD and depression among other things. Her ADD evolved into an oppositionist –defiant disorder. Our main fight has been to get her healthy and happy again, she stopped eating and sleeping. She began hurting herself, throwing tantrums and provocative as much as possible.

Me, oh boy oh boy. I have dealt with depression since I can remember and now my better half is on anti depressive medication  (one we all take everyday) we go to couples therapy, my sunshine is also seeing a therapist and I see my own therapist once a week (no wonder I must work 3 to 4 to make ends meet)

So all this is a very, very brief background. This week we set on the one goal: Limits to my mother in-law. (MIL)  She asked us on Saturday to drive her to the doctor and the supermarket. We are on a tight situation in terms of money. We both are semi employed and earning about 1/3 of our usual income. So my sunshine takes advantage of her audience and starts nagging and whimpering to get some school supplies she liked and a Harry Potter sticker album. We said no and it took us more time to do so than to my MIL to buy it for her. We talked about it in therapy and my better half was supposed to set the limit to her, etc, etc.

On Monday my MIL asked us to go to her place for dinner. Not the usual thing and it was suspicious. We (my better half and myself) talked about it and decided we would not accept anything from her. Not money, not gifts, nothing at all. We arrived there and she had a set of documents on the table and asked all 3 of us to sit. Se gave a handwritten letter to my sunshine to read aloud. Basically she decided to buy her a laptop, gave me the responsibility of controlling its use and internet access and her the commitment to try harder not to be angry and get better grades.
This issue had already been brought up and we had clearly stated that we did not want my girl to get a computer, that we thought it would make her view of “the world owes me” and “you don’t love me if you don’t buy me things” much worse and that we certainly do not want her buying one for her.

This ambush from her put so much stress in my marriage and hurt me so much! I asked her to take it back to the store but my better half couldn’t do it. He agreed to keep it at his parents until the first school report gets home. I so wish to scream myself sane again. I have been crying almost three days. I feel so lonely like I’m fighting against the world all on my own. Obviously I’m the bad guy in terms of my relationship with my daughter and I truly love and trusted my MIL. She’s been so much my real mother. She has helped me a lot and the things she said! “I raised two kids so I know better” “I know you said not to buy the computer but I think it’s the way to go” It is the last drop. Tomorrow we go to the therapist again.  This is the last chance I give my marriage. I‘ll give it this year.  I can’t continue like this… I can’t keep surviving and not living. Trying to fix the urgent things and not having time to fix myself. I don’t want to see my 11 year old depressed and miserable. We’ve been dealing with her mood for 2 years. She absorbs everything around her and turns it into rashes, ulcers and depression. I can’t do this anymore. I need to see her happy. I need to feel happy myself…

Loosing my "blog virginity"

The moonlight and the sunshine

Welcome to the moonlight and the sunshine blog. I’m the moonlight and my daughter is the sunshine (my sunshine at least) this blog is intended as an escape tool. A way to let some issues out of my spirit or soul, as you wish to call it.  A way to share and let go of all those daily things that come with being a woman, a photographer, a wife and also a mother. Since it’s only purpose is, lets call it, “therapeutic”, I expect no sympathy, solidarity or feedback of any kind, however all comments are welcome as long as no insults are in them. I will use moonlight for my name and sunshine to call my daughter because I’m not only sharing myself but other details of the people around me. As a sign of respect for them and their privacy I won’t refer to them with the real names and ask you not to copy, distribute or use anything written or mentioned in this blog without at least giving me a heads up. Also English is not my native language and even as I think I have no problem writing in it I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes and for any ideas not being clear enough. So... without any further delay I consider this blog started.