Oh boy. Families sometimes suck.

Oh boy! Today’s issue: family.

Family. It hard on so many levels! I had such a rough week with all my families. Yeap:. 3. I count them separately. My mother, father, siblings, etc. make one. My in-laws make the second one and my husband and my daughter constitute my real and most important family.

So a bit of background is necessary. My mother was abused bye her own father and her mother taught her to be submissive and obedient to her husband. My dad is the son of an army general. Me, I’m the youngest of the lot. Got 3 sisters and 2 brothers (the elder one died before I was born) And also, I was born 11 years later than the youngest but me. I was also abused, hit a lot. Denigrated a lot and got used to survive on a daily bases. I couldn’t get food from the fridge without it being world war III. Also they really hate my husband. We met in high school and from the moment I saw him I knew he was the one for me. We’ve been together for 20 years. Married the last 12. I ended up running away from home to get my own place when I was 18. I worked on a multiplex, went to college on a scholarship and lived in a small room above a liquor store. None of my siblings ever called or checked on me, none tried to contact me and none let me see my nieces and nephews until they grew much older. On the other hand my mother in –law has always been helpful, she is always there for us but also takes advantage of it and becomes very demanding and nosey making the education of my daughter a messy thing. My better half doesn’t know how to set limits to her. Mi father in law just sits there and tries his best to let things flow. My sunshine has ADD and depression among other things. Her ADD evolved into an oppositionist –defiant disorder. Our main fight has been to get her healthy and happy again, she stopped eating and sleeping. She began hurting herself, throwing tantrums and provocative as much as possible.

Me, oh boy oh boy. I have dealt with depression since I can remember and now my better half is on anti depressive medication  (one we all take everyday) we go to couples therapy, my sunshine is also seeing a therapist and I see my own therapist once a week (no wonder I must work 3 to 4 to make ends meet)

So all this is a very, very brief background. This week we set on the one goal: Limits to my mother in-law. (MIL)  She asked us on Saturday to drive her to the doctor and the supermarket. We are on a tight situation in terms of money. We both are semi employed and earning about 1/3 of our usual income. So my sunshine takes advantage of her audience and starts nagging and whimpering to get some school supplies she liked and a Harry Potter sticker album. We said no and it took us more time to do so than to my MIL to buy it for her. We talked about it in therapy and my better half was supposed to set the limit to her, etc, etc.

On Monday my MIL asked us to go to her place for dinner. Not the usual thing and it was suspicious. We (my better half and myself) talked about it and decided we would not accept anything from her. Not money, not gifts, nothing at all. We arrived there and she had a set of documents on the table and asked all 3 of us to sit. Se gave a handwritten letter to my sunshine to read aloud. Basically she decided to buy her a laptop, gave me the responsibility of controlling its use and internet access and her the commitment to try harder not to be angry and get better grades.
This issue had already been brought up and we had clearly stated that we did not want my girl to get a computer, that we thought it would make her view of “the world owes me” and “you don’t love me if you don’t buy me things” much worse and that we certainly do not want her buying one for her.

This ambush from her put so much stress in my marriage and hurt me so much! I asked her to take it back to the store but my better half couldn’t do it. He agreed to keep it at his parents until the first school report gets home. I so wish to scream myself sane again. I have been crying almost three days. I feel so lonely like I’m fighting against the world all on my own. Obviously I’m the bad guy in terms of my relationship with my daughter and I truly love and trusted my MIL. She’s been so much my real mother. She has helped me a lot and the things she said! “I raised two kids so I know better” “I know you said not to buy the computer but I think it’s the way to go” It is the last drop. Tomorrow we go to the therapist again.  This is the last chance I give my marriage. I‘ll give it this year.  I can’t continue like this… I can’t keep surviving and not living. Trying to fix the urgent things and not having time to fix myself. I don’t want to see my 11 year old depressed and miserable. We’ve been dealing with her mood for 2 years. She absorbs everything around her and turns it into rashes, ulcers and depression. I can’t do this anymore. I need to see her happy. I need to feel happy myself…